No one told me that life was a game of Musical Chairs...

At a certain age, the music stops and you're left without a chair, i.e. a partner.  If you stand for too long, you will get tired...you will collapse from exhaustion.

In my twenties most people thought I was pretty, smart and happy.  That I could have anyone and anything I wanted.  
I always had a boyfriend, I was a successful ER nurse, living a carefree life.  I was NEVER alone. In my recent marriage, I was very happy with a successful husband and 7 children.  We lived in a beautiful suburban home with a pool, always entertaining friends and family.  We traveled the world!  An amazing and perfect life, until my world crashed down with his infidelity. Since my divorce, I lost a sense of who I am or who I was.  I sometimes do not even believe those times actually ever were. 

I am lonely now, tired of making all the decisions... aching for a human connection.  Still, though, by outward appearances, people assume I am happy and loved.  That surely since I have remained a somewhat attractive, kind and smart woman, I must not be lonely, but I am very lonely and I am struggling to find love and belonging. I am grateful for my children and the love that we share.  It is a different love that I miss.  One they cannot be responsible for. The holidays, especially, can be harsh and unbearable.  All the Christmas music playing, everyone is "dancing", yet there are still no chairs available.  

I have no real friends left.  I have moved a lot and therefore I lost my friends along the way.  My life had revolved around his friends and family, whom I lost when the marriage crumbled. With the busy world we live in, no one has time to stay connected or to make time to foster a new relationship.  
I want to feel loved and give love.  Something I once took for granted, now eludes me...

Left feeling as though shattered is the new state of my being. All the King's Horse and All the King's Men Could Not Put Me Back Together Again.  This in no way means that I am an unlovable person.  There is someone for everyone, right? Where is my accepting someone...my chair?

Musical Chairs.  The music stopped and I did not get a chair.  I was too busy looking for the best and most comfy chair...A chair is a chair...or is it?  Should we be picky and wait for a chair that will hold us for years to come or settle for the folding chair that can collapse and fall away?  I'm exhausted and I can no longer stand.  I need a place to sit and someone to depend on...to support me...to give me rest...to tell me everything will be okay. It used to be that men gave up chairs for women.  This is no longer an option...everyone wants a damn chair!

In my quest to find a chair and find myself, perhaps I should become a maker of chairs.  Really comfy and safe chairs.  

Chairs that play their own music.  Then the music would never stop and I could both dance and have my chair for the occasional support.