Divorce is a major life event… that seems to go on for years. The decisions one makes are filled with both immediate and long-term consequences. The aftermath that follows can be traumatizing and have a lasting effect on your overall happiness.
Women and men have different perspectives when it comes to how to handle the daily problems, decisions and demands. This is true too, for future plans. While women rule with emotions and often come from a place of reacting vs. being proactive, men are usually more strategic and end-goal focused. But this too can be only by appearance, when in reality the outcome may be due to the women’s impulsivity and nesting. How do we navigate this very treacherous territory of divorce and avoid the inability to not just survive, but to end up mostly intact and ready for new relationships and a happy life ever after?
Let’s face it, when a divorce starts, there is one home, two people and potentially children. The house cannot be divided down the middle… unless you want to end up with two piles of debris. Should the primary parent, and subsequently the children, remain in the home? Should the other parent have to provide financially for the home he, or she, no longer lives in or should we sell? We often see this alternative in cases where the primary parent is a stay-at-home parent. Often times, the “breadwinner” offers this option, out of guilt. Most of the time, the discussion of the home ultimately surrounds the woman fighting to stay in the home, regardless of whether or not she can financially afford to. Women have a need to nest and thereby stay in the home they built, lovingly decorated and raised their children. It is there sanctuary. The problems with this thinking are many. Women will fight for the home and everything in it and it becomes the source of “winning”. In the end, this ends up being an emotional and psychological mistake. Keeping the home means keeping the memories… all of them… good and bad. Keeping the possessions within the home also keeps the marriage ghosts lingering. This keeps a woman tethered to the past and unable to move on. The man, who wants to sell or keep the home, as well, and then ends up “losing” or succeeding it, actually does better mentally and psychologically. He is also more cognizant about the financial stress of keeping the home. He can replace all the “stuff” and move into a fresh start. This allows him to be free of the past quicker and he is able to find peace. His new place becomes his sanctuary and the woman is high on the hill… in emotional hell, clinging to all her memories and the home she built with him, thus unable to heal and move on. None of this is meant to imply that a man who gives up the house, merely moves on and his past life or his family never existed, it just seems to allow him the ability to compartmentalize and free up his head space without constant reminders of what could have been or used to be. Where women tend to want to hold on to the memories and that is fine on the surface, but deep down it prohibits the healing growth to find a new life.
Another matter to discuss regarding keeping or divorcing the house, is the matter of when one is ready to get rid of the past possessions and move on, whether it be in the house or physically moving to a new place, is the act of discarding all the accumulated “stuff”. Depending on the timing, this too can create old scabs to fall off. Not to mention, the actual physical labor that goes into carry things curbside. In the meantime, the one who moved out, does not have to face these wounds. As a woman who walked into her home and felt the weight of the past on her shoulders, from the marriage 10 years long gone. I was kept in this state of angst, could have, should have, victim role because of all the stuff in the house. The couch, the bed, the holiday decorations, etc. Why didn’t I buy new things, you ask? I simply could not afford to. This was a dollars and cents matter that has had a lasting impact on my psychological well-being. Selling would have been my better choice, possibly ending up with some cash to buy new furnishings.
Pros and Cons in summary:
REASONS TO KEEP THE HOUSE IN YOUR DIVORCE:
§ Chances are, you will have less money when you divorce. If you’re forced to leave the home, you will likely move to smaller, less desirable home.
§ The home is the biggest financial asset for most couples. You walk away from that, you may lose a lot of assets — even if he buys you out.
§ Historically, real estate has been a more stable investment when compared with stocks (recent years being an exception).
§ Because your household income will be lower in the short-term, the tax write offs like mortgage interest and property taxes will be even more valuable post-divorce. Plus, if you were to sell your home, you can likely pocket most or all of the profits tax-free.
§ The emotional reasons to keep the house include providing a measure of stability for you and your kids during a tumultuous time. This includes staying in the same schools and close to friends and neighbors who provided emotional and practical support. This can be a catch-22 and the emotional and memory filled home can also cause more strife and the inability to move on.
However, as previously mentioned, there are lots of very good reasons to let your marital home go — whether to your ex, or to sell it on the market. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen in my work, as well as have heard from divorce attorneys, is women’s insistence on keeping the marital home in divorce — to her detriment.
REASONS NOT TO KEEP THE HOUSE IN DIVORCE:
§ You can’t afford it. Accepting that your income is now lower after divorce, and therefore you lifestyle must change, is often very difficult — especially for the lesser-earning spouse, who unfortunately is usually the woman. Going into debt, facing losing that very home you so desperately want to hang on to, and the emotional turmoil that financial stress it induces is just bad news. Don’t.
§ Selling helps you move on. Houses are emotional things. That house likely represented a family and life that you wanted very much to succeed — but things turned out differently. Nothing like new real estate (and furnishings!) to start fresh with your new life, and put your old one behind you.
§ A new home is empowering! Whether you are purchasing a new house or renting a place on your own, moms tell me that doing this solo is one of the most empowering things they’ve ever done.
§ It may even help teach your kids financial responsibility. Because your home is likely your biggest financial asset, you should treat it with as little emotion as possible. Compromising your finances, emotional well-being and good sense for the sake of keeping a house you really like is not a good financial example for your kids.
§ Selling may teach them emotional resistance. Sometimes life sucks! It just does. Divorce is usually like that. But showing a measure of grace, moving on, and making wise decisions for your whole family in the face of difficult times is one of the greatest gifts you can give your kids.
So, when it comes time to decide whether or not you “must have” the marital home. Please weigh all the options, most importantly the long-term psychological consequences and whether or not you want to come out healthy and ready to find a new happy ever after without a semi-truck worth of baggage or a mini-Cooper. The women should be very cautious, as in all divorce matters, to not make impulsive and emotional decisions… trust me on this one. The men should make decisions and suggestions with a little more concern for the aftermath and future effects of the full divorce fallout.
Disclaimer: this article does not reflect any gender bias, it is meant for example and discussion topic only and of course, the gender roles may be different in each situation.
Divorce is unquestionably one of the most stressful events anyone can experience. Life as you have known it is dramatically and irrevocably altered. Your world may feel like it has stopped spinning or maybe like it is spinning out of control. Fundamental, foundational aspects of your existence—things you may have taken for granted—must be re-evaluated, negotiated, and ultimately may be determined by a third party.
Whether it’s where you live, custody arrangements for children or pets, the division of assets, earnings and memories, or just the fracture of a relationship you expected to last forever, all of these issues are life-altering. When dealing with the dissolution of so many of the certainties you once depended upon, it's easy to move into a place of constant anxiety… becoming paralyzed with ambivalence. This places an unhealthy, unsustainable amount of stress on your mind and body.
The first step toward healing is actually to take a step back. Try to get perspective on the situation. Slow down, give yourself time, and look for ways you can care for you. Over time, fears and apprehensions begin to dissipate, and confidence begins to grow. Life moves forward.
Here are some strategies that I adopted—and the ones I know made all the difference in seeing me through to my own new beginning:
It might sound cliché, but that's because it works. Truly, the best way I have found to relieve stress is through exercise. Whether it’s hot yoga, running or cycling, a workout with a friend, or kickboxing to relieve anxiety and release aggression, I came to depend upon a combination of the adrenaline rush of an all-consuming workout and the meditative inward yoga practices. But what works for me might not work for you. If those high-intensity workouts don't do it for you, try going on a hike or even a walk. Getting out and moving around is beneficial to both mental and physical health—and you get added benefits from doing it outdoors.
Exercise releases endorphins in your brain, which fight stress, minimize the discomfort of the exercise, block feelings of pain (physical and emotional), and are even associated with feelings of euphoria. Exercise and yoga made all the difference in my journey to the mindset of resilience I needed to make it through my divorce and beyond.
It’s important to commit to investing time into taking care of yourself. I could've languished in bed, depressed, when I was in the throes of my divorce, and I did for a time, but I quickly chose instead to discipline myself to fill my empty hours with things that nourish me—mind, body, and soul. I still make time for a workout every day because it clears my mind and gets me ready for the challenges I will face—both personally and professionally. A recent study from Harvard Medical School even shows that exercise improves memory and critical-thinking skills. Make sure, even during the most hectic of days, you set aside some time to focus on yourself and your well-being.
3. Get uncomfortable. (You won't regret it.)
Once you've boosted your resilience through exercise and nurtured your internal balance with self-care, challenge yourself to take on a new endeavor. Learn to cook; travel to a country you've always had an interest in; take ballroom dancing classes. It’s been proven that people who engage in new activities are more likely to focus more on the positive aspects of their life.
“Though it may feel unfamiliar—and maybe even a little uncomfortable—you'll experience incredibly positive feelings if you stick with it. Our minds and bodies are connected. When you take care of your body, your mind benefits, and vice versa. Ultimately, when you feel good about yourself, you’re able to be stronger for others in your life—as a parent, friend, sibling, or partner. Life—especially in the midst of divorce—is undoubtedly difficult. But for exactly that reason, it becomes more important than ever that we put our best, strongest selves forward to face the challenges before us”.
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The Sober Season...
In the past, if someone said they were "sober," it usually meant they were “on the wagon”… a recovering alcoholic. But over the past few years, a noticeable shift has started to occur toward sobriety. Americans have put more and more focus on health and wellness. Drinking habits will be the next frontier to be conquered.
In the last year especially, helmed by several wellness influencers, the sobriety movement has presented itself as one of the top solutions for the growing dissatisfaction we have with our lack of authentic, genuine connections and/or careers that don't challenge, energize and inspire us. Included in our quest to gain a better sense of self and quality of life is the ever-present deleterious effects of alcohol on the body and mind. According to Dr. Mark Hyman in his book, The UltraMind Solution, “alcohol damages the liver and prevents it from excreting excess estrogen… a factor that influences hormonal imbalance. Men who drink too much literally grow breasts along with their beer bellies!” This raises the question as to whether or not one may drink and still take an effective approach to dieting and wellness.
Biet Simkin, Founder of Center of the Cyclone, a musician and meditation expert, believes substances actually disconnect us from our true selves, making sobriety not just beneficial but actually a prerequisite to finding and fulfilling our purpose. "Having explored alcohol and drugs in some depth myself, I know that they don't propagate intentional living. When substances get involved, the experience you have tends to get farther and farther from the experience you intended to have." So, what does she say to people who think they need "liquid courage" to be honest—for whom alcohol is a means of facilitating intimacy? "Vulnerability requires authenticity, and authenticity requires vulnerability. Neither of these outcomes is encouraged by the crutch of substances."
The popularity of alcohol-free get togethers is growing, and in 2017, we will see even more of a shift toward mindful interactions and refreshing alternatives to booze. Cities like LA and NYC are already gaining momentum, propelled by cutting-edge and trendy watering holes and restaurants eager to catch the wave. In New York, high-end bar and eatery, The Nomad Hotel, has added a selection of nonalcoholic drinks referred to as “Mocktails”, to their cocktail menu. Farm-to-table restaurant, Riverpark, is offering Temperance Coolers, inspired by and composed of local, seasonal ingredients—just like everything else on the menu. But this isn't just an East Coast thing…
On the West Coast, in San Francisco and Oakland, microbreweries like Copenhagen-based Mikkeller are starting to cater to the connoisseur who wants to enjoy the experience and taste of a well-crafted beer without the buzz. Mikkeller's “Drink'in The Sun 13” rates at just 0.26 ABV, but features flavors as rich and diverse as lemon, grapefruit, peach, and apricot. At the same alcohol level, “Drink'in The Snow” gives you a holiday flavor profile complete with clove, coriander, and orange.
In 2017, we will see the availability and variety of nonalcoholic options continue to grow even more. Along with the increase in options, we can expect our choices to become more intentional and better integrated with our long-term dreams, goals and life purpose. Ruari Fairbairns, Founder of the alcohol-free movement “One Year No Beer”, has experienced this change personally and has seen it in other converts of the program: "I'd always dreamed of achieving so much, and part of me suspected the booze was holding me back. Now I can say with absolute authority, “The booze was holding you back, mate”.
By: Nicole Celentano Gallagher
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